The Gift Of Love…

True love stories never have endings…

-Richard Bach

Alexandra never disappointed us. Years of love, loyalty and devotion so pure I simply had never experienced anything like it. Remembering that drive upstate from the city to our friend Lynne’s county home, I felt happier than I’d ever remembered feeling. We pulled up her long driveway and I turned around to face Alex. As always, she was sitting behind me, erect and focused. I opened her door and she leapt past me and ran with such force and abandon. One would simply refuse to believe how sick she had been.

Alex had always loved coming up to the country. Through this magical combination of wide-open space, clean breeze, and golden sunshine that she’d somehow transported back to that little puppy we’d discovered fourteen years ago in Florida. That evening as the sun slowly set, she refused to come inside. So Jeff and I bundled up, and sat with her on the deck watching while the wind blew her ears back. With her eyes closed and her nose pointed straight out, she was taking in the blend of fresh country scent.

The next morning she was up early and out running – Alex ran for four straight days.  Early on the fifth day we woke to labored breathing and she could no longer walk. And as I followed Jeff, carrying her wrapped in blanket towards the jeep, I remembered. I’d asked Alex to make it though the wedding and then we’d take her to the country.

Alex delivered her gift of love. Two days later she fell asleep peacefully in my arms for the last time.  To love and be loved is glorious. Our Alexandra.

‘The Most Beautiful Girl In The World’….

Tossing Glitter…

You simply can never have too many stuffed animals, poodles, children, friends or smiles in your life.

Because when it feels authentic you love it forever…

Keep Tossing Glitter!

The Perfect Boy…

Photo by Jeff Elstone

The Perfect Boy…
I wanted to be the perfect boy.
A perfect boy would do exactly as asked.
A perfect boy would be loved by everyone around him because he was so perfect. But the journey to being loved had nothing to do with being that perfect boy…

No matter how much time passes that little boy will always exist. If I could truly go back in time- well, I’d tell that little boy who heard he’d have a lifetime of misery if he continued down the path of just being himself- I’d tell that little boy to hang on. I’d tell him a change is coming. I’d tell him he would have a happy ending to his Farm Story. But even more, I’d tell him he’d find a happy beginning.
I’m grateful to have lived this moment; Being able to marry the person I love and plan on growing old with.
That little boy is smiling.

Tossing Glitter…

Photo by Jeff Elstone

When it feels authentic…
You love forever…

Tossing Glitter… Our Wedding

Photo by Jeff Elstone

Jeff and I never planned on having a big wedding. Our first intention was to do something very quiet and intimate and then have a great vacation. But so many people wanted to come, that in the end we decided we couldn’t do it small. So, on March 31st, 2012, standing on the stairs looking out at the 200 guests assembled in the Alger House in New York City, we smiled knowing we had made the right decision. Maybe celebrating love shouldn’t always be small. Our journey to marriage may have taken 24 years, but marriage equality finally made it happen for us, as well as for so many others. We saw the faces of people we went to grade school with, our families, old friends mixed with new – people from everywhere we’d lived during all parts of our lives. When you’ve been together for 24 years you meet a lot of people. The feeling of joy and love in that room was exhilarating. Knowing that I would be married to the man whom I had loved and had committed my life was beyond anything I could have ever dreamed. I was filled with gratitude.

Before the New York legislature passed the bill allowing for all same-sex couples to marry, we had decided we wanted to be a part of this movement for equality. People would often ask, after all the years you and Jeff have shared, do you believe marriage will really make you feel different? I didn’t know but I wanted to find out. I also wanted equal protection under the law. On June 23rd, 2011- our twenty-third anniversary- Jeff surprised me with a ring and asked for my hand in marriage. “Let’s give New York a year and see what happens,” he said.
A year to see if New York would catch up to other parts of the country. That was Jeff’s original intention. However, the very next day – June 24th, 2011- our New York City world changed. In one of those unbelievable, magical moments that only the universe can create, the legislature approved the marriage bill. Gov. Andrew Cuomo signed the freedom to marry into law. It was the perfect anniversary present: the near-instant ability to marry each other in the state we lived, loved, and paid taxes!
Those eight months leading up to our wedding gave me an unexpected joy. I knew I would be happy, but this held a sense of excitement and almost teenage wonderment. Everything felt fresh and new and possible. Change was possible in the world. There would be acceptance and celebration. Looking back on my childhood and young adulthood made me humbly grateful to be alive to see these changes. Before coming out of Indiana I knew absolutely nothing about gay life or relationships. I remembered hearing how gay people were incapable of commitment and incapable of being with one person. And I remember thinking “Am I’m incapable of that? Because that’s what I really want.” If I had made a list of the things I wanted to accomplish in my life, growing old with the person I loved was number 1 on that list. And now all those old lies were banished. Not only did I have a life commitment to the man I loved, but soon Jeff and I were to be married. I smiled at the memory of my younger self – if I had only had a crystal ball then!
Planning a wedding is intimidating at best. I couldn’t help think about how I listened and rolled my eyes for years at all the girls whose hair and make-up I did as a stylist. They would ramble on about their BIG day as we argued hair and makeup from my hairdresser’s chair. I laughed to myself as I planned my own clothing for my wedding day. Because I couldn’t choose just one of the three ‘Just Perfect’ wedding ensembles, I’d simply find a way to wear them all. Jeff and I were blessed being surrounded with incredible talent to help us make our day what we envisioned. From photographers and cake bakers to designing for our wedding invitations – It became an extended family affair.
The only cloud was our beloved dog Alex was battling cancer. Months had passed and we had talked with every specialist and finally had to acknowledge that our life with her – one we had loved and shared with so many of our family and friends – was reaching end. So many people loved Alex. In acknowledging the reality of her inevitable passing, I became very focused on remembering her final weeks with us with clarity. On that particular afternoon, a few weeks shy of our wedding, with her Barbara Streisand mix playing softly in the background I lifted ‘The Most Beautiful Girl In The World’ into my lap. I asked her if she could just make it through the wedding, we’d have a wonderful week together in the country near Hudson. A beautiful honeymoon week for three.
Walking into the Alger Carriage House I was overcome by beauty. Love lit every candle and lifted every voice. My girlfriend and artist Rachel had worked tirelessly transforming the rooms into something out of an Anne Rice novel. Glamour and romance filled every corner. It was indeed a family affair as her husband Josh would be presiding over the ceremony and marrying us. Jeff and I had painstakingly chosen family members and friends from each place we had lived to stand with us. And as everyone stood assembled on the stairs, Mom and I waited for our musical cue to come down and take our spots. I’d always marveled at my mom’s beauty and tonight she was radiant. She walked with me down those stairs just as she had walked with me down the long road I had traveled to this moment. And there, at the bottom of those stairs, stood Jeff. With 24 years behind us and a lifetime more in front of us. Will you take this man? I do…..

Toss Glitter… Songs for the New Depression… Timeless

Cause when it feels authentic you love it forever

Shiver Me Timbers

Well, I’m leaving my family
I’m leaving all my friends
My body’s at home, but my heart’s in the wind
And the clouds are like headlines
Upon a new frontpage sky
My tears are saltwater, the moon’s full and high
-Tom Waits

Tossing Glitter… Make it one more for my baby (And One More For The Road)

Cause when it feels authentic…
You love forever…

Tossing Glitter… My Wedding Day

As a boy I remember sitting at the breakfast bar; If I squinted my eyes just so, everything in the room appeared soft focus. I adored soft focus to the point of being obsessed. The beautiful women in the movies I loved were always shot in this magical haze. I felt it was how the world should be seen. It’s how I would see my mom.

Photo by Jeff Elstone

I didn’t have to be invisible when it was just the two of us. Mom always called me her “artistic child “ and never seemed ashamed of me. She never acted as though she noticed how different I was from other boys. When I look at this photo, I’m reminded of the extraordinarily complex path my mother and I took to arrive at simple truths.

I remember all our arguments, feeling the need to speak our mind, sometimes yelling and nearly always crying. Only minutes later finding ourselves standing over the kitchen sink sharing a piece of pie.

Moments before Jeff and I would exchange our wedding vows it was just Mom and me. And like that it had been all those years ago at that breakfast bar I remembered that feeling of calm when it was just the two of us. I didn’t have to be invisible. Holding Mom’s hand, smiling at the thought of how we both got more than we’d bargained for…

As a smile illuminated her face, she’d never looked more beautiful. “You ready to get married son.” Suddenly nervous I recalled the stage fright we shared when we would sing together at church. Locking eyes mom flashed me that smile, I could breath easy as I followed her down the stairs…

The Perfect Boy…

Photo by Jeff Elstone

My third grade teacher Miss Brown wrote on my report card:
“Eddie is a very sensitive child, wants attention, and needs reassurance.
He expresses himself wonderfully through his artwork, is quite creative, and has a flair for play-acting. He really puts himself into it and does quite a good job.”
I’d just finished watching ‘Lady of Burlesque’ with Barbara Stanwyck on the mid-day movie. Creating a perfect world for myself; through books and movies- became equal parts art form and salvation. Now, with painstaking care, I attempted to recreate Barbara’s glittering gown with my watercolor brush. Mom and Aunt Phyllis came out with a fresh pitcher of sweet tea and joined me at the old picnic table that sat alone in the far corner of our back yard. Standing behind me, sipping sweet tea from a tupperware tumbler I can remember my Aunt Phyllis saying “My goodness! Won’t it be interesting to see who Eddie marries.”

I wanted to be the perfect boy.
A perfect boy would do exactly as asked.
A perfect boy would be loved by everyone around him because he was so perfect. But the journey to being loved had nothing to do with being that perfect boy.

Tossing Glitter…Battery Gardens Wonderland

NYC Battery Gardens

He who seeks beauty shall find it…