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Would it matter if I’d known…
I pride myself on my memory. For better or worse, I can remember vivid details about my past and the people who were part of my history. Perhaps it’s an article of clothing – a color, a texture or feeling against skin. Our sense of smell is where we sometimes store our most cherished memories. I can see a beautiful hand kneading pie dough- I can still count the freckles. Though there have been times I’d wish my memory would soften or simply not play over and over. One simply cannot cherry-pick memories. The imprint sometimes plays out like a beautiful kaleidoscope in your mind. What a blessing to possess.
Though I remember bits-n-pieces of my grandmother’s last Christmas, I wonder if I’d known it was to be her last, would there be more memories stored up in my mind?
Some of the things I remember may simply have been told to me. My mother tells me how Ma-Maw worried she’d become too much of a burden after she and Papaw had to move in with us. The tears in mom’s eyes as she told me about the cold December night she got up to make sure Ma-Maw wasn’t chilly and needed an extra blanket. Simply to be told “I’m fine but you might want to check on Daddy, he always get’s cold during the night.”
Thinking about that last Christmas, I wondered if the farm was covered with snow? Were the horses standing at the gate like a normal morning or watching our house for movement from their warm barn? Ma-Maw’s last Christmas has replayed the past 45 years in my mind. The tiny bit I remember is crystal clear. It’s like one of my favorite scenes from a movie I’ve obsessed over. I can see it and hear it and love to let it envelop me. I take painstaking care to make mental notes of every character’s movement.
Opening my eyes I listened to the rhythm of my brothers breathing. Normally I’d get my brother and sister up, but Mom had been adamant about staying in bed until the adults gave the okay. Always wanting to ensure Ma-Maw get as much sleep as possible. Lying cocooned within the sheet and blanket and waiting, I heard Ma-Maws voice. “See the baby buggy? That’s from Ma-Maw, no not Santa… Ma-Maw.”
Quietly making my way out of bed so not to wake Timmy, I tiptoe into the hallway. And from there, I can see the living room. Tree lights and ornaments glittering. Casting a beautiful glow. Bent over, one hand holding her side while the other hand pointed at the baby buggy, I see Ma-Maw. She has quietly slipped Sissy out of bed, determined she understand in her little mind that her new baby buggy is a gift from Ma-Maw.
It’s beautiful. My little sister squinting, smiling and trying to understand. Ma-Maw holding her side in pain, simply wanting her granddaughter to experience what I felt from her every one of her days – kindness, sweetness, and unconditional love.
Would it matter if I’d known? Would I have taken time to layer more detail into my memories? Or would it simply take away from that moment I cherish of Ma-Maw’s last Christmas? In the end, I believe so. In the end, she lives in my present because I didn’t know. And that final Christmas memory blazes bright like tree lights in my heart every December 25th.
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Tossing Glitter...40 Comments
A precious memory….
As always, your stories speak to my soul. Can’t wait to share!
Keep tossing glitter!
Janet- My grandmother was and continues to be the light in my life. I loved writing this piece. Thank you for reading and sharing it!!! xoxo
Wonderful Christmas memories with your Ma-Maw! So glad you had that time with her and thank you so much for sharing these touching stories. I enjoy reading them so much and they inspired me to remember special things from Christmas’s past. I remember smelling freshly shelled walnuts laid out on the table on the cold back porch at my Grandma Collins house. The smell of woodsmoke as it whirled out the chimney from her wood cookstove. I remember the smell of freshly brewed coffee and the candy in the Lance candy jars in the general store Grandma Boggs ran. Sad we can’t have our grandma’s for our whole lives. They are gone away from us too soon. Thankfully, they leave us with wonderful, lasting memories. Keep the stories coming Eddie! They inspire me to close my eyes, breath deep and remember.
Sherry- Thank you for sharing your memories – Sense of smell can completely open our minds and help us remember and I can remember how fun it was to shell walnuts. So many of those little things that made our childhood special and still make us smile today. Woodsmoke is glorious on a cold winter day!!! Your reading and adding your voice to Farm Stories means so very much to me!!! Thank you!!! xoxoxo
Beautifully written! So proud of you Eddie! I so love this memory of Mamaw.. Shows what a special woman she was. Love you!! xoxo
Sis- I’ve really tried to paint a clear picture of Ma-Maw for you through the years as you remind me so much of her. She was and will always be a bright light in my life. I hear those interviews all the time where they ask if you could speak to someone past or present – I think just to hear Ma-Maws voice one more time!!! Thank you for all your support and love!!! xoxoxo
Beautiful…..
Julie- Thank you for reading and supporting Farm Stories and dream of having my book… xoxo
love Christmas memories!!
LJB- Magical memories of love!!! Toss Glitter!!! xoxo
You know I love this one….makes me wish I made my own pie dough…xoxo
Carla- Your support truly means so much to me- Still love watching mom’s hands woking the pie dough!!! xoxo
Even Clio, the muse, could not inspire you more than Ma-maw. Your writings are an artistic history. I’m so touched by the excerpts from your memoir. Keep the Farm Stories coming, they delight my heart!
Kat- My grandmothers bright light has been leading me my entire life – without it I’d been lost. Your love, support and beautiful pure voice means so very much to me!!! Love you!!! xoxo
I can’t comment on this, it is too meaningful and too fresh. I just want to say thank you…I know you understand.
Tammy- Love you!!! xo
Makes me warm with Christmas memories Eddie….thank you for the beautiful memory of your Ma-maw! Your write so wonderful as if I was right there! Keep Cherishing those days….they are what makes you!
Ann- My Ma-Maw was a bright light for me to follow – Then , now and always… There is no greater compliment to me than one of my stories can make you smile and have your own Christmas memories. Thank you!!!
Eddie, this piece took my breathe away. A gorgeous memory you are a gifted writer.
Bruce- Thank you always for the love and support!!! Means so much to me!!! xo
Precious story. I read it to my husband (Richard Wallace), who loved it, especially how your choice of words causes the reader to recall his Christmas memories and experience your feelings. He’s still talking!!!
Donna- My Ma-Maw was a beautiful bright light that I’ve been following- Then, now and always- What a gift!!!
Thank you for sharing with your husband Richard. There truly is no greater compliment than one of my little stories can give a smile and awaken a personal memory for the person reading. Your support and voice for Farm Stories means so very much to me!!!
I can’t even…….
Kathy- Love you!!!
Oh, Eddie…you and your sweet, sweet heart. Your ability to touch others, paint a picture..what a lovely gift for all of us. So very proud of you. As always, my love to you and Jeff across the miles…xoxo
Jamie- Your reading and adding your voice to Farm stories truly means so much to me. Have known you since the beginning and love you so much!!! xoxo
Lovely, heart rendering ,precious.
Lynn- Thank you so much for all your support!!! xo
Wether it be through touch, sight or taste. Memories through our senses are the best, they seem to be more vivid! Always love your memories Eddie they help me to recall some of my most precious memories. Thanks for that!
Daun- Where would we be without our memories- a blessing. There is no better compliment than my sharing stories and memories can help you recall your own! xoxo
Thanks for prompting me to remember the Christmas times I spent with both my grandmothers, and later only GaGa B was there. Grandmothers are so special.
Joan- Am so happy my writing reminded you of your own beautiful memories of your grandmothers!!! So wonderful!!! Thank you for reading, supporting and adding your voice to Farm Stories. xoxo
your posts remind me to be a better daughter, mother, grandmother. i love you and our unlikely connection.
(and now i want to do the hands-in-the-pie dough painting 😉 ) xox
T- Have always been blessed with fabulous women throughout my life. My grandmother was and continues to be my guiding light. Like you I’ve always loved hands- they tell a story . Don’t forget the freckles… Thank you for reading and adding your own voice to Farm Stories. xoxoxo
Love the memories you share. Our mamaws will always hold a special place in our hearts. Hearing your stories brings back special memories of both of my grandparents. Thank you ! ♡♡
Susan- Grandparents for so many are magical- Unconditional love. My Ma-Maw was my lifeline and I feel her presence today. I’m so happy my voice and memories can bring your own into focus. Thank you so much for reading Farm Stories. Keep ‘Tossing Glitter’ xo
Loved it, it made me feel like I was there in the room sharing Christmas with your family, waiting on Mamaw to share Christmas with, I loved the can’t cherry pick memories also, how very true, if only we could remember the good times in our past, Keep tossing glitter Eddie
Angie- My grandmother has been a continued force throughout my life. Am so happy to be able to share that precious Christmas memory with you! Thank you for your support and voice!!! Love Tossing Glitter with you!!! xoxo
Eddie…you have no idea, the impact of your stories being told! What a wonderful blessing/gift you are.
Sharon- This is one one of my favorite stories as my grandmother was and will forever be a bright light. Am truly touched that you read and were moved by my story and voice. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts with Farm Stories!!!