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The Most Beautiful Girl In The World…
Photo by Jeff Elstone
It was mid-morning and I was having one of those magical writing moments that don’t seem to come nearly enough when I noticed Alex staring intensely. My first reaction was to ignore her, so as not to disturb my fingers on the keyboard. However, she wasn’t having it. Planting herself firmly in front of my brown club chair, she continued to stare without blinking or budging. Looking over the top of my computer screen into her soulful brown eyes, I was reminded of a comment a visiting friend had made a few months prior. “Alex, looks so beautiful you’d never guess her age except for her cloudy eyes.” The comment caught me off guard, and I now found myself looking deep into those eyes. Why hadn’t I noticed? Alex was my ageless baby girl and thirteen years had passed by and I had not given thought to her longevity. Poodles are eternal puppies – such was the case with our Alex.
Jeff and I had lovingly dubbed her “The Most Beautiful Girl In The World’.
It was a busy and exciting time. Marriage equality had come to our beloved NYC, and Jeff and I were ecstatically planning our upcoming wedding. It was the happiest time of my life. During this period, my writing seemed almost magical – taking on this life of it’s own. Putting time aside each day to write in that brown club chair became an integral part of my writing process. I determined that Farm Stories would become more than just something I’d talked about for the past 25 years. Staying focused was something I’d long battled to be, and suddenly, somehow through my writing I finally was. Hours would seamlessly pass.
Today, however, Alex wasn’t going to indulge me in my writing time. I asked if she needed to go out? Instead of her typical turning and making her trademark slow saunter to our apartment door, she didn’t move or break her stare. Putting my computer aside, I reached with outstretched arms. Alex gingerly climbed into my lap, resting her chin on my shoulder and pushing her face against mine. At that very moment I knew. Nestled together in that brown club chair for what could have been minutes or perhaps hours, I didn’t want to let her go. We both knew. Alex was sick.
Having shared secrets with girls had been a lifelong practice. Besides what was I going to tell Jeff? That I’d had this epiphany of impending doom for our little girl? I’ve never been one to shy away from confrontation, but this I simply couldn’t bear. Perhaps if we didn’t speak it, IT would simply go away. Perhaps if I kept it secret, it wouldn’t be true. As the weeks passed, it became clear something was indeed wrong and when our doctor called, her words slapped across my ear, disorienting me. Alex had a malignant tumor in her jaw.
A haze fell over us for the next few months. Jeff’s resolve kicked in as it always had throughout the past 24 years whenever we faced adversity. He promised we would make it through this. I had to believe him but I simply couldn’t understand how you can be pulled from having the happiest time of your life into such despair and helplessness. Everything changed and finding a new normal seemed impossible. There would no trying to gain control of the situation, or of our thoughts. Would it be next week? Maybe months? I wanted to spend every moment I could with Alex, and make everything seem okay. She deserved to be calm. Burning my candles and incense was a daily ritual and had to be continued. I always had music playing, only now Alex had become particular-sensitive to sound. Even the softest music would disturb and annoy, and she would make her way into the bedroom to escape.
Until the morning I noticed Barbara Streisand come on. Was it my imagination or did it seem to soothe her? Not being a huge Barbara music fan I quickly downloaded everything I thought calming and created a playlist. Names ‘Alex & Babs’ it played non-stop morning, noon and night for the next several months. Holding The Most Beautiful Girl In The World in my lap in that brown club chair we would listen to that play list over and over. One song in particular that I’d remembered from long ago. It was Alan and Marilyn Bergman lovely lyrics:
When I say always,
I mean forever.
I trust tomorrow as much as today.
I’m not afraid to say,
I love you.
And I promise you,
I’ll never say goodbye…
I finally understood that it was time to live and love in the moment. One day at a time. Because that was all we had. And because when we love, there didn’t have to be a goodbye.
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Tossing Glitter...38 Comments
Oh… my heart. <3
Julie- It’s never easy…
Thank your fryer loving support…
xoxo
The most beautiful girl in the world had the most beautiful dads in the world. This one got to me big time Eddie. I’m writing through tears. Thank you for this gift of writing and sharing your stories. They are beautiful, he who seeks beauty will find it. You are loved by me.
Bruce- Wish you would have had the chance to meet her. She was something!!! He who seeks beauty will without doubt find it. It’s all around. Thank you for you wonderful support and love. Tossing Glitter and love to you…
xoxo
Made me cry! My little Lexi is turning 12 this June, I have no idea how I will make it through losing her when the time comes.
<3 you. XOXOXO!
Sheli- Learning to be present and living in the moment didn’t come naturally for me. I tend to worry and think ahead. Alex changed that. She’s in my heart now and forever. I know you feel the same about your precious Lexi. It’s a beautiful, open love- unconditional…
xoxoxo
There are no words except….xoxoxo
Mona- Thank you for all your love and support…
xoxo
What a beautiful tribute to Alex, to love, and to heartache. Thank you for sharing The Most Beautiful Girl In The World with us!
Kat- So much comfort came during that time with all you girls sending prayers, love, and positive energy- Tossing Glitter. Alex was and will forever be my unforgettable “Most Beautiful Girl In The World”
Thank you for reading, sharing, supporting and adding your voice.
xoxo
Just sitting here with tears running down my face. We too know with our Babies it’s just a matter of time. We hhve battled kidney failure with Our 13 ear old and battle everyday with pancreitis with our 12 year old. We are very fournute to have an amazing Vet that keeps pulling them through the tough times. Thank you for sharing.
Eliza- It’s so hard…. Everyone handles it differently. For me this was truly a turning point for me in learning to live in the present. I am by nature someone who worries ifI’m not looking and planning ahead. When it came to Alex I forced myself to stop. I spent as much time as possible with her. Put her in my lap and talked her. Wrote about her.
Prayers and love to you and your family…
Tossing Glitter!!! xoxo
Beautiful Eddie, just beautiful.
Joni- Appreciate your reading and support so much!!! Thank you!!!
She was indeed the most beautiful and regal soul…I’m glad I got to meet her (I say as I wipe the tears from my eyes)
Pam- So happy you all came and were able to me Alex. When learning about about her illness Kelly was one of the first that I was able to tell. She told me I didn’t have to worry about it that day- Alex and I had time. Her words triggered my decision for living in the moment. Because of those months are crystal clear in my mind and alive in my heart. I’m grateful….
Thank you for reading and supporting my Farm Stories. Love you…
xoxo
Special people love dogs.
Joni- Some people don’t understand why we love our special kids so much. Once I experienced that unconditional love can’t imagine living without it. Thank you for reading Farm Stories…
So poignant. (I lost my 14 year old Shih-tzu last summer.). Beautiful expression. Your writing puts us right there. Keep it up.
Donna- I’m sorry for your loss. Our children that in our eyes don’t grow up. That unconditional love is unbeatable. My how they spoil us.
Thank you for reading and supporting my Farm Stories…
beyond–
LJB- Your reading and continued support mean so much to me. Tossing Glitter to you!!!
xoxo
OK – at least 75% of your stories make me cry. Maybe that’s because I can identify with the feelings. XOXO <3
Linda- Perhaps because my father forbade me to cry? I embrace my tears almost as much as my laughter. It’s who I am… It’s who you are too. It’s who we all are if we allow.
Thank you so much for reading and adding your voice to my Farm Stories…
Tossing Glitter to you…. xoxo
So very touching.
Kena- No one shows their compassion more than you for animals. Admire you…
Thank you so much for reading Farm Stories….
my heart aches for your loss…
having just lost my Harley, I feel your pain.
xoxo and ((hugs)) to you
Janet- It’s heartbreaking. So sorry about your Harley…
Much love to you…
Thank you for sharing. I knew it was a time of pain and and yet appiness through the wedding planning for you two. So private but you make me feel special to understand more how your time was spent. xoxo
Rhonda- Hard to believe it was almost three years ago. I had such beautiful support from you and so many others which truly made a difference in helping me get through. Thank you- xoxoxo
Wow, you again have immorlized a shared experience many of us have had to endure. Beautiful words, Eddie.
Marty- To have known such open, limitless and unconditional love is glorious. Thank you for reading and sharing my most beautiful girl in the world…
xoxo
Beautiful Eddie!! Xoxo
Kathy- The gift of unconditional love takes us all to a higher place…
Thank you for all your love and beautiful support…
xoxo
Kleenex out and being used. I do feel your pain. Had my last baby until about 4 years ago for 13 years. Sammie, a 3.5lb., coal black, although at the end she was grey around her face, Pomeranian. I was divorced she was on my lap or by my side at all times. Her joints got so they would dislocate, even during the night, She would yelp and cry in pain. I would have to get up and massage them back into place. Then I noticed her eyes were getting more and more cloudy. She began running into things and falling….she had gone blind. I knew the time was near and she was suffering so bad but I couldn’t let go of my constant companion. Finally I called all the family and everyone of them came over at the same time to see her one last time. The Grandkids weren’t told that that was the last time they were going to see her…She had been with me longer than they had and loved her like their own…..but I know they knew. They would talk about her not acting like “She felt good anymore.” She didn’t and she looked so sad and in misery all the time. The next day I took her to the vet and held her while he sent her to the other side. I haven’t been able to get another one since, and probably won’t…I don’t think I can go thru the inevitable again. That was right before I lost Mom to compound the pain. She can’t be replaced with another companion, that was as good a companion as she was. No more than I can replace my precious Mother. I’m in no way comparing the loss of my precious Mama to an animal but I never had a pet that I was any closer to. I know you and Jeff loved Alex in the same way…..glad you were able to go on. I just don’t feel I can do it again, I have had so much lose in my life of ones I have loved, pets and human, I, at this time, don’t feel I can set myself up for another loss. The Grandkids still talk about her and not a day goes by that I don’t miss her…. like Mom. I know there truly is no comparison but she was so very special to not just me but our whole family. Thank you for sharing your story about your precious Alex. Great writing, such a sad story, almost all your stories I can relate to in one way or another. You are keeping the Kleenex corporation in business. It is a soothing thought of Alex and Sammie health and happy, chasing each other around doggie Heaven. I love you! XOXO <3
Kathy- They are devoted through our good times and bad-Unconditional love. So much we learn through their devotion. Many can’t understand why we feel the way we do towards them and thats okay- because those of us who do understand are so very blessed to have known and experienced such open and beautiful love.
Thank you Kathy for your support throughout my life and with my Farm Stories.
Love you
xoxo
Eddie, such a beautiful girl and a beautiful well written story. The tears are falling from my eyes as I remember your call telling me of her sickness. You were in such pain and heartache. There was nothing I could do or say to console you. When you write your story, it is like reliving it again.In my eyes mind I can see it happening all over. What a great talent you have been given. Love you…Mom
Mom- Sadly it’s something we all have shared. I remember I had literally just hung up the phone when you called me- I was in such a state I probably would have never called anyone so was grateful when you did. God was looking out…
Thank you for reading and supporting Farm Stories…
Love you…
xoxo