Tossing Glitter… Our Wedding

Photo by Jeff Elstone

Jeff and I never planned on having a big wedding. Our first intention was to do something very quiet and intimate and then have a great vacation. But so many people wanted to come, that in the end we decided we couldn’t do it small. So, on March 31st, 2012, standing on the stairs looking out at the 200 guests assembled in the Alger House in New York City, we smiled knowing we had made the right decision. Maybe celebrating love shouldn’t always be small. Our journey to marriage may have taken 24 years, but marriage equality finally made it happen for us, as well as for so many others. We saw the faces of people we went to grade school with, our families, old friends mixed with new – people from everywhere we’d lived during all parts of our lives. When you’ve been together for 24 years you meet a lot of people. The feeling of joy and love in that room was exhilarating. Knowing that I would be married to the man whom I had loved and had committed my life was beyond anything I could have ever dreamed. I was filled with gratitude.

Before the New York legislature passed the bill allowing for all same-sex couples to marry, we had decided we wanted to be a part of this movement for equality. People would often ask, after all the years you and Jeff have shared, do you believe marriage will really make you feel different? I didn’t know but I wanted to find out. I also wanted equal protection under the law. On June 23rd, 2011- our twenty-third anniversary- Jeff surprised me with a ring and asked for my hand in marriage. “Let’s give New York a year and see what happens,” he said.
A year to see if New York would catch up to other parts of the country. That was Jeff’s original intention. However, the very next day – June 24th, 2011- our New York City world changed. In one of those unbelievable, magical moments that only the universe can create, the legislature approved the marriage bill. Gov. Andrew Cuomo signed the freedom to marry into law. It was the perfect anniversary present: the near-instant ability to marry each other in the state we lived, loved, and paid taxes!
Those eight months leading up to our wedding gave me an unexpected joy. I knew I would be happy, but this held a sense of excitement and almost teenage wonderment. Everything felt fresh and new and possible. Change was possible in the world. There would be acceptance and celebration. Looking back on my childhood and young adulthood made me humbly grateful to be alive to see these changes. Before coming out of Indiana I knew absolutely nothing about gay life or relationships. I remembered hearing how gay people were incapable of commitment and incapable of being with one person. And I remember thinking “Am I’m incapable of that? Because that’s what I really want.” If I had made a list of the things I wanted to accomplish in my life, growing old with the person I loved was number 1 on that list. And now all those old lies were banished. Not only did I have a life commitment to the man I loved, but soon Jeff and I were to be married. I smiled at the memory of my younger self – if I had only had a crystal ball then!
Planning a wedding is intimidating at best. I couldn’t help think about how I listened and rolled my eyes for years at all the girls whose hair and make-up I did as a stylist. They would ramble on about their BIG day as we argued hair and makeup from my hairdresser’s chair. I laughed to myself as I planned my own clothing for my wedding day. Because I couldn’t choose just one of the three ‘Just Perfect’ wedding ensembles, I’d simply find a way to wear them all. Jeff and I were blessed being surrounded with incredible talent to help us make our day what we envisioned. From photographers and cake bakers to designing for our wedding invitations – It became an extended family affair.
The only cloud was our beloved dog Alex was battling cancer. Months had passed and we had talked with every specialist and finally had to acknowledge that our life with her – one we had loved and shared with so many of our family and friends – was reaching end. So many people loved Alex. In acknowledging the reality of her inevitable passing, I became very focused on remembering her final weeks with us with clarity. On that particular afternoon, a few weeks shy of our wedding, with her Barbara Streisand mix playing softly in the background I lifted ‘The Most Beautiful Girl In The World’ into my lap. I asked her if she could just make it through the wedding, we’d have a wonderful week together in the country near Hudson. A beautiful honeymoon week for three.
Walking into the Alger Carriage House I was overcome by beauty. Love lit every candle and lifted every voice. My girlfriend and artist Rachel had worked tirelessly transforming the rooms into something out of an Anne Rice novel. Glamour and romance filled every corner. It was indeed a family affair as her husband Josh would be presiding over the ceremony and marrying us. Jeff and I had painstakingly chosen family members and friends from each place we had lived to stand with us. And as everyone stood assembled on the stairs, Mom and I waited for our musical cue to come down and take our spots. I’d always marveled at my mom’s beauty and tonight she was radiant. She walked with me down those stairs just as she had walked with me down the long road I had traveled to this moment. And there, at the bottom of those stairs, stood Jeff. With 24 years behind us and a lifetime more in front of us. Will you take this man? I do…..